NEWTON'S 3rd LAW OF MOTION

Isaac Newton the scientist taught about 3 laws of motion.  The third law states that 'action and reaction are equal and opposite'.  This means that for every force there is a reaction force that is equal in size but opposite in direction. So that whenever an object pushes another object it gets pushed back in the opposite direction equally hard.

You are probably asking yourself 'what has physics got to do with parenting?' Well it does have a lot to do with parenting, not the actual 'physics' of it (for want of a better word) but the 'moral' of it.

This law simply teaches that our children's actions and responses to us and the community around them is a reaction to an applied force from us or the community, and the impact of their actions on us is equal to the force we applied on them.  Let me explain further.  If you give a child love and affection you will get love and affection in return.  Remember that children know no different.  So what we give them is accepted as right and true.  You cannot shout and swear at a child and expect them to smile and walk away.  You will get the same measure back and the impact on you will be the same impact your shouting had on them.

There is a simple rule in life - treat others the way you would like to be treated.  That is the way forward.  We cannot be like the leaders who say 'do what I say, not what I do'.  Our children will receive our actions, process them and give back the same measure unto us.

Parents, lets give this a try. Consciously do the positive things (including when you discipline your child) even when your head and emotions just want to lash out, and see what reaction you will get back.  Remember every child is different and you might have to consistently keep trying until you see change.

There is no perfect parent, we can only give it our best shot.

Happy parenting

Angela Bediako

I NEED YOU

I remember the day you were born

I held your tiny feet and hands

I put my finger in your palm

and you squeezed it gently

As if to tell me ‘I am here now’

And I am yours forever

Suddenly all the fear and uncertainty were gone

But the years are flying by

And you grow a little each day

You have become my driving force

You give me the urge to keep moving on

For your sake I live at peace

Even with the strongest of foes

You are my gift from Heaven

The very breath I breath

Thoughts of you make me smile

On a rainy dreary day

Your smile just warms my heart

It  helps me see the light

When shadows fill my days

I need you my child

My sunshine my star

As much as you need me

But I do  need you more!

“GOOD” CHILD “BAD” CHILD

Have you ever heard someone say ‘I wish all my kids were the same’?. Or ‘Josie is much calmer and easier to control than her brother’?.  Most parents think the child who  is always quiet  is the “good” child and the one who never sits still is the “bad” child.  Looking at it from a broader perspective we can probably conclude that society usually defines children in the same way. That is, quiet or calm=good, active and loud=bad.

I must confess that I held the same belief for a while. But over the years experience both at home and in the work and learning environment have taught me one big lesson. THE FACT THAT CHILDREN HAVE THE SAME FATHER OR MOTHER (OR BOTH) DOES NOT MEAN THEY MUST BE THE SAME, and that includes twins.  Parents let’s get this straight and now!  We are all as different as our finger prints are different. You cannot have all your children acting the same way all the time.

Okay, lets do some serious learning.  Every child has a temperament and a personality. Temperament is the different aspects of a persons personality (like being an introvert or extrovert). It is regarded as innate or inborn and cannot be learned.  It can however be nurtured as a child grows. Some of the characteristics related to temperament include: activity (relaxed or moving around), regularity (sleeping habits), initial reaction (withdrawal or approach), adaptability (adjustments to changes), intensity (reactions), mood (happiness or sadness), distractibility (concentration), persistence (losing interest in some activity), and sensitivity (stimulation). Personality is what arises within a person, like behaviour, feelings and thought patterns, and it can be acquired on top of temperament.  Personality is acquired over years and will be affected by education, socialisation and how we deal with different situations in life.

The key, therefore, to effectively parenting your children (if you have more than one), is being able to determine each child’s temperament. For example, a child who cannot sit still and is seen as distractive could simply be the type who gets bored very quickly, or just athletic. It is impossible to keep a child like this indoors all the time.  When we see the positive aspects of a childs behaviour it helps us to nurture and guide, and seek help where we have to. Am I excusing negative behaviour? Absolutely not! I am just trying to make a point.  Labelling a child as bad because we spend more energy parenting them will leave parents feeling incompetent and the child feeling they are not good enough, which will open up a whole new can of worms (low self esteem, low confidence, etc).

The above information is definitely not prescriptive but certainly worth a try!

Remember, THERE IS NO PERFECT PARENT.

ME AND MY BIG MOUTH!

I believe that most parents would have lots of stories to tell about their ‘big mouth moment’. At least I do.  That moment in time, the few seconds when you let something slip or said something you hadn’t intended to say to your child. Some people call it unguarded speech, others would call it a sweeping statement and some simply say a slip of tongue.

Whatever name you have for it does not make as much impact on you as the sudden rush of guilt and regret you feel going through your veins when you blurt it out. Depending on the age and temperament of your child, and depending on what was said and the circumstances, it might either be brushed off and forgotten or it will come back weeks, months or even decades down the line to bite you! Ouch!!!

Okay lets be real, we are only human. But what do we do next? Whatever we hadn’t meant to say has been said, probably in a moment of anger or frustration. Its out there.

Well, you must do what some parents find unthinkable, a taboo to some others and an abominable act to some……….APOLOGISE!!. First if it was a genuine slip of tongue, don’t beat yourself up too much. If it was said in the heat of anger you should really wait till you and your child have both calmed down and talk to your child about it. Yes, that’s the one thing some of us find difficult to do. Your child is more likely to do the things you do than the things you say.

When you apologise to your child you are not only teaching them that even you are not perfect, but also a very important principle of life – humility. Your child will grow up knowing that while we must make the best effort to do things right and not to offend others, if we do (because its a human thing) there is a way of putting things right.

Here are a few steps that can help you (typically if your child is aged between 2 and 10):

• Give yourself a moment away from the situation (timeout)
• Apologise for the situation, not for yourself , and mean it. Do not discredit yourself before your child. You were just being human,  not a bad parent. You can simply say ‘I am sorry for what I said earlier, I did not mean to say that’. Don’t make a long speech. If your child says anything listen to them and apologise again if you have to.
• Ask your child what they think you could have done differently and listen to what they say (you are indirectly teaching the child).
• Ask your child what he/she could also have done differently (in a gentle friendly tone). Remember you have just admitted to your child that you are wrong. Don’t suddenly switch to authoritarian mode.
• Spend some time alone and reflect on the situation. Ask yourself a few questions:

1.  What must you do/not do next time?
2. What triggered this reaction.
3. How can you deal with future similar situations (for example you can take some deep breaths to calm you down, move away from the situation until things calm down, find a more suitable time).

……………and remember, THERE IS NO PERFECT PARENT.

TRUSTING YOU, TRUSTING ME

In today’s fast moving world it seems to be getting more and more difficult to keep up with things. This speed also seems to be having a diminishing effect on trust everywhere.  It is becoming more and more difficult to trust people, even people in the same family.  

Trust is a big and important element of all aspects of family life.  In a family where trust exists people will usually not be suspicious of one another and family members will be open and honest with each other. However it would have taken such a family a while to get to this point because trust must be earned over time.

It is important for parents to earn the trust of their children and vice versa.  If a foundation of trust is laid while children are young we increase the probability of our children being more open to us in their teenage and adult years, and I stress the word Probability.

Simple things like keeping a promise and doing what you say can earn you your child’s trust.  If your child knows you always stick to your promise you make yourself more credible as a confidante to that child. You can also earn your child’s trust by being open and non-judgemental towards your them. That is to say when your child speaks to you about a concern they have, listen without prejudice no matter how stupid you think it is.   For example a five year old child whose friend says to them ‘you are not coming to my party’ will be very hurt because to them that party is a big thing. A teenager who gets rejected by a group of people because they don’t ‘fit in’ with them will be very hurt. This is because at various stages of development children have different priorities and a different outlook on life.

One of the biggest earners of trust with children is honesty.  Children are smart and when you lie to them  they will probably nod their heads in agreement  with the things you say  but they will not necessarily believe you.

So how can your child also earn your trust? One simple way is to agree on some simple rules and consequences of breaking the rules and tell your child you are trusting them to follow the rules. You do not need to keep reminding the child about the rules (that is how you show you trust them).  If they break the rules FOLLOW THROUGH with the agreed consequence (that is another way of doing what you say).

The above suggestions might not necessarily work with every child but effective parenting does not mean you always get it right it simply means you make the best efforts to parent your child the best way you can.  

Remember, THERE IS NO PERFECT PARENT