“GOOD” CHILD “BAD” CHILD

Have you ever heard someone say ‘I wish all my kids were the same’?. Or ‘Josie is much calmer and easier to control than her brother’?.  Most parents think the child who  is always quiet  is the “good” child and the one who never sits still is the “bad” child.  Looking at it from a broader perspective we can probably conclude that society usually defines children in the same way. That is, quiet or calm=good, active and loud=bad.

I must confess that I held the same belief for a while. But over the years experience both at home and in the work and learning environment have taught me one big lesson. THE FACT THAT CHILDREN HAVE THE SAME FATHER OR MOTHER (OR BOTH) DOES NOT MEAN THEY MUST BE THE SAME, and that includes twins.  Parents let’s get this straight and now!  We are all as different as our finger prints are different. You cannot have all your children acting the same way all the time.

Okay, lets do some serious learning.  Every child has a temperament and a personality. Temperament is the different aspects of a persons personality (like being an introvert or extrovert). It is regarded as innate or inborn and cannot be learned.  It can however be nurtured as a child grows. Some of the characteristics related to temperament include: activity (relaxed or moving around), regularity (sleeping habits), initial reaction (withdrawal or approach), adaptability (adjustments to changes), intensity (reactions), mood (happiness or sadness), distractibility (concentration), persistence (losing interest in some activity), and sensitivity (stimulation). Personality is what arises within a person, like behaviour, feelings and thought patterns, and it can be acquired on top of temperament.  Personality is acquired over years and will be affected by education, socialisation and how we deal with different situations in life.

The key, therefore, to effectively parenting your children (if you have more than one), is being able to determine each child’s temperament. For example, a child who cannot sit still and is seen as distractive could simply be the type who gets bored very quickly, or just athletic. It is impossible to keep a child like this indoors all the time.  When we see the positive aspects of a childs behaviour it helps us to nurture and guide, and seek help where we have to. Am I excusing negative behaviour? Absolutely not! I am just trying to make a point.  Labelling a child as bad because we spend more energy parenting them will leave parents feeling incompetent and the child feeling they are not good enough, which will open up a whole new can of worms (low self esteem, low confidence, etc).

The above information is definitely not prescriptive but certainly worth a try!

Remember, THERE IS NO PERFECT PARENT.